One Mouthful, Thats All It Takes
by Sevi Snape
Summary: Hermione is torn, she loves him but shes beaten and abused, what shoudl she do? She knows it only takes one mouthful, to end it all......


I don't own the characters and the song is by Josie and the Pussy Cats and it's the writing in bold italics.

****

**One mouthful, that's all it takes. **

**_This is the place where I sit_**

Alone in the potions classroom. Sat in the darkness with only one dim torch in a bracket on the wall. Sitting on a stool with my knees hugged tight to my chest trying to make myself as small as possible, trying to make myself so small I disappear. 

**_This is the part where I love you too much_**

Why did I do it? Why do I still do it? I come crawling back every time, even though I know exactly what is going to happen. I know precisely what comments will be thrown my way, insults and usually abuse.  

**_This is as hard as it gets_**

****

Cradling the my knees thinking about he horrendous bruise on my back knowing its going to take one hell of a charm to hide it and also to a lot to explain if its seen. I can see the bruises on my arms and feel the sharp sting of the cuts on my back as I shift slightly. This wouldn't matter if you loved me, I could get over the wounds.

**_Cause_****_ I'm getting tired of pretending I'm tough_**

But I have to carry on as usual. I have to make believe to the world I'm fine, that I am as I always have been. Classes to take and homework to do. But they see there is something wrong, I don't play Quidditch how do I get the bruises? That's what they ask. Reading and writing don't give you such injuries and they won't believe I fall a lot. So I wear long clothes, usually dark, black.  

**_I'm here if you want me_**

I wait for you to say those words. Any words of comfort. Something like I love you or I need you or hold me. Something that shows me your not just the cold and cruel person everyone sees, something to show me there is a nicer side of you.

**_I'm yours, you can hold me_**

Please hold me and tell me you care, tell me you didn't mean to hurt me, say you were forced. No matter how implausible the excuse, just say it. I want comfort, I need it.  

**_I'm empty and achin' _**

Help me please. I have cried my self hollow. I daren't cry anymore for fear of dehydration and it hurts to cry. My chest feels tight and when I more in anyway the wounds hurt more as they try to heal because my robes stick to them.

**_And tumblin' and breakin'_**

My head feels like it's in a whirlwind. How can I still love you? How can I still willing run to your side when you call me? Or even when you don't. I run to you of my own accord and hope you'll love me. I have even told you I love you. I sheer desperation and denial that you would tell me you reciprocated the sentiment. But no.

**_Cause you don't see me_**

To you I'm just a child, a desperate teenager. Someone not worth bearing thought of their feelings.

**_And you don't need me_**

If I left you would just find another student or girl and another way of getting what I give you. 

**_And you don't love me _**

You won't love me, not ever. You can't love, your hollow. 

**_The way I wish you would_**

But how I have prayed for it to be different, for this to be some kind of test of loyalty. 

**_The way I know you could_**

But you can love can't you? You have loved. 

**_I dream a world where you understand_**

I wake from my dreams to find reality painful. In my dreams I'm safe. In my dreams you truly love me. I am your everything in my dreams. I can almost feel your gentle feather like caresses and the soft sweet kisses you give me.  

**_That I dream a million sleepless nights_**

I have dreamt of the night were you make love to me. It's sweet and soft and slow, all for me. And in them your so considerate.

**_Well I dream a fire when you're touching my hand_**

****

And the passion between us is electric, all fire and heat. You hold me close like you never want to lose me and make me feel safe. The words you speak are calming and soothing. They are the words every girl wants to hear. 

**_But it twists into smoke when I turn on the lights_**

But then I wake, next to you or alone. Either way I know they are only dreams and not the change in you I had hoped for. You wake and ask me what I'm still doing in your bed. You complain that I have got blood on your sheets. The dreams fade back into the oblivion they came from, they will return, just like you do. 

**_This is the place in my heart_**

But you should see the place I have created in my head. My perfect place, the place my heart longs to be. It's a house were we live. You and me sat together of an evening in front of a fire, reading. Its warm and cosy and safe.

**_This is the place where I'm falling apart _**

Then I think how it will never ever happen. the reality hits me as I look around the dank dungeons and see the darkness in which you inhabit. It hurts me to know that you not only hurt me in pushing me away but you hurt yourself because you won't let people near you. 

**_Isn't this just where we met_**

I look again round the dark dank and dreary dungeon. This was the place I first really saw you. Your mysteriousness drew me into you. I saw a man who was a puzzle to me and I love puzzles. Something that I have to explore and examine until I know everything about it. I tried to do it with you but know look were I am.

I can hear your footsteps echoing around the corridor outside as you head this way. I feel my heart beat quicken as I hear you talk to someone outside the door. I quickly get up off the stool and look at the door. 

"Yes it's quite alright." You say to someone. 

I hear a reply from someone else, a woman, but I can't hear what she says. You open the door and I shiver as I watch you enter and a woman dressed in fine black robes enters after you. She is wearing a black velvet cloak as well as a corset bodice robes. She was beautiful, long black hair, full red lips and dark cruel eyes. 

"Severus who is this?" the woman asks throwing a venomous look at my small pathetic form.

"It's no one." You and stare at me glacially. 

I get the message. Feeling rejected and pathetic as I look. As I walk past the woman she lifts her left hand to take yours and I see it. The rings, matching wedding bands. I leave the room and hear her speak as I leave.

"Not a bit like me Severus darling. You use choose fuck toys that look a little like me." I turn to see her smiling sweetly but evilly at me.  

**_And is this the last chance that I'll ever get_**

So here I am now sat amidst my belongings. They are thrown across the room and I'm here int the middle of the floor with a quill and piece of parchment. Hopefully this will eb the last chance I'll get to tell you what I think of you. I have written what I want-

**_I wish I was lonely_**

**_Instead of just only_**

**_Crystal and see-through_**

**_And worth nothing to you_**

That's it that's what I wrote. And that's what I mean. I pull two bottles out of my robes. My trip to the potions room wasn't just to feel sorry for myself. I had a purpose, though I had hoped you would have done something to stop it. 

The bottles look so inviting. I read the words on them, Asphodel on one and Wormwood on the other. You told us about this stuff in our first lesson, the first time I saw you. Well it's the stuff that's going to end it. 

I pour them into one empty bottle and shake it mix them up. Seems a shame to just take it in my room, then you wouldn't see what you had done, nor would anyone else. No I think the main hall would be a good place, in your seat at the high table.   

I run down there, my robes catching the wind as they do. The only sounds are the sounds of my feet hitting the stone floors and the air rushing past me. The Great Hall is even more quiet. The only like is the fires in the large fireplace. I make my way to your seat at the high table. The one at the end. I sit down thinking of all the times I have seen you sit in this very place. 

So here it is the end, brought about by a man. But I don't want to live anymore, the nightmares of what you have done to me would haunt me and the "what if's" would drive me insane. So here we go, one large mouthful, that's all its going to take. First I pull the letter out and hold it in one hand, and use my other to bring the bottle to me lips. I tip it back and taste the aniseed flavour….

**_Cause you don't see me_**

**_And you don't need me_**

**_And you don't love me_**

**_The way I wished you would….._**


End file.
